Saturday, January 19, 2008

it's t-junction time..

...or at least it will be pretty soon. Problem is, I'm having real trouble with what to do with my life. It's not that I lack in ambition, in fact, it's the exact opposite that's causing me trouble; there is so much I want to achieve and be, one person couldn't possibly be all of the things that I would die disappointed having not been. And of course, true to my contradictory nature, while I have this uncontrollable longing to do so much, I also have the sort of character which means I have to give myself entirely to something or I won't be happy.

So I was born with this inherent pull in me to react to high intensity by writing, singing, etc.; generally harnessing everything into creativity, mostly music. And if I could never listen to music again, I am almost certain that I would spend the first hour of every day of the rest of my life crying until I ran out of breath.

But can I really dedicate myself to something so down to chance? I don't do well without routine, & my confidence in my apparent talent gets knocked relatively easily.. could I really cope living from one sleazy bar and one room apartment to the next?

My other option is serving my country in a job which I think I'd be very good at and which would give me more security in most ways. I'm incredibly patriotic, & a job requiring the sort of dedication as this does suits me really quite well.. it would also be extremely interesting and challenging.

But that option leaves me no choice but to back burner music, which I'm doing right now for my studies and which just.. makes me feel like I'm not functioning fully or something..

So. There's my problem- I know I would love both lives, & I think I'd thrive in both, but it all depends on chance & what ifs, & it's driving me out of my mind. I guess I'm gonna have to just keep looking out for signs, & have faith that what is meant to be will happen...

vivamus atque amemus,



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