Saturday, January 26, 2008

so, you know that sign I was looking for?

I think on Thursday, in the form of being rejected from the final uni I was interested in and had the required grades for, it arrived.

Arrived is far too passive a verb.

Anyhow, I got my sign, so now I guess it's time to stop being what most people would call "careful" or "realistic" (so, cowardly), and start being brave and fierce.

You can't be careful about ambition.

So here's the plan: I somehow find the motivation to finish my A2's over the next five months, then I go back to London, find myself some place to stay, get myself a waitressing job or something, & start gigging.

Exciting isn't it?

Finally; I've been feeling a lot of things over the past few days, dealing with this abrupt change of plan, above all I've been more scared than I've ever been, I've also been frustrated that my original plan of getting a degree first isn't possible anymore; basically I've been just trying to think through it all and catch up, place myself. Then last night some things occurred to me; first of all, as I said, I've been waiting for a push in either direction for a while now; if this isn't a sign I don't know what is, and secondly, maybe this whole "clever plan" I had in place was just a way of avoiding a decision which needs to be made, and which I clearly wasn't brave enough to think about yet.

But thankfully, I've been pretty much handed the courage to make the decision I wanted to. I'm not gonna continue to put life off.

I've finally got the freedom I've been craving, and now, finally and after much thought, it feels awesome.

Wish me luck :)


Friday, January 25, 2008


Everything is in my heels.
Like someone came in the night
and slid all of the things that are usually
"on my shoulders",
the weight of the world,
into my shoes.
The weight of my world is in my heels,
meaning I can't walk at my usual speed..
then again,
how fast can you really walk
when you don't know where you're headed?

Sorry, that's all I've got.

Not much for a pro is it? Never mind,
'cause failure clearly is an option,
or hobby.
Which this can't be anymore,
'cause I may not want to nourish myself right now,
but at some point I'll need to.

I can do this
I am strong
I am big
I just need to
get it out of my heels and

onto a page
or a line
onto a stage.

Just a stage

of transition

I'm just in shock,

I'm sure fruition
is around the corner,
I just need more time.

I'm just so fragile,

the spaces between my own lines shake me,
the lines that used to make me
now feel bad, feel out to break me,

my lines are woven, strung up,
waiting for my neck,
my life,
dead or alive?

Line of my life, or noose?
Fight, or flight?

Here I begin.

Find a brave face for a stranger,
& a dropped pin.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

it's t-junction time..

...or at least it will be pretty soon. Problem is, I'm having real trouble with what to do with my life. It's not that I lack in ambition, in fact, it's the exact opposite that's causing me trouble; there is so much I want to achieve and be, one person couldn't possibly be all of the things that I would die disappointed having not been. And of course, true to my contradictory nature, while I have this uncontrollable longing to do so much, I also have the sort of character which means I have to give myself entirely to something or I won't be happy.

So I was born with this inherent pull in me to react to high intensity by writing, singing, etc.; generally harnessing everything into creativity, mostly music. And if I could never listen to music again, I am almost certain that I would spend the first hour of every day of the rest of my life crying until I ran out of breath.

But can I really dedicate myself to something so down to chance? I don't do well without routine, & my confidence in my apparent talent gets knocked relatively easily.. could I really cope living from one sleazy bar and one room apartment to the next?

My other option is serving my country in a job which I think I'd be very good at and which would give me more security in most ways. I'm incredibly patriotic, & a job requiring the sort of dedication as this does suits me really quite well.. it would also be extremely interesting and challenging.

But that option leaves me no choice but to back burner music, which I'm doing right now for my studies and which just.. makes me feel like I'm not functioning fully or something..

So. There's my problem- I know I would love both lives, & I think I'd thrive in both, but it all depends on chance & what ifs, & it's driving me out of my mind. I guess I'm gonna have to just keep looking out for signs, & have faith that what is meant to be will happen...

vivamus atque amemus,